getting out what you put in

i've been sitting here, trying to think of an opening sentence for this entry for at least 5 minutes. everything that comes to mind feels like a quip, or familiar generality. oddly the topic of the first sentence is (or was supposed to be) only a bridge to the beef of my thoughts, but it's altogether largeness in my life makes my feelings about it hard to convey...concisely, anyhow. music is my life. there i said it. raise your hand if you feel that way. it sounds so small beside the emotion behind it, no? at any rate, my deep affection for music has only a small part to do with what is actually on my mind today.

as if driving a minivan weren't ridiculous enough, a klove sticker suspiciously made its way onto our sedona a few months ago. (it's not really suspicious, i put it there.) and off the cuff that may not seem so out of norm for me. i may be quirky or have a sometimes crass sense of humor, but to know me is to know that i love god, jesus, the kit-n-caboodle; always have, always will, yadda yadda yadda. i feel that my love for music also comes through pretty clearly, just in my day to day interactions (and my job). but never before this season in my life, have those two worlds come together in harmony. it's a true phenomena, people.

i grew up going to church every week, i went to church twice a week at school. i sang hymns, even in front of the entire congregation. in the summertime i spent weeks with my grandparents, and the way to and from my parents' house to theirs they listened to klove, or something to that effect. but in all those years--28 to be exact--i never really took those songs with me, i left them in church and youth group, vbs etc. i was somewhat obstinate about the whole thing really. which surprises me now, because i have always felt most connected to god when i'm singing joyously unto Him--always. it baffles me that it took me so long to engage in that kind of praise outside of a corporate atmosphere. perhaps something can be said for the way all music evolves over time, just as our tastes and opinions do. like ogres & onions, this theme seems to have many layers.

let me paint a picture for you; with words though, i don't have enough canvas on hand for all of you (my adoring fans). this figurative painting is comprised of a few different vehicles, and a girl's addiction to window stickers. let it be known that said girl has never believed in 'bumper' stickers--way too long term. but yes, i am guilty of displaying my affinity for certain bands on my automobiles. before the (small shudder) minivan, i drove a '96 Isuzu rodeo, teal green. great condition, manual, nice wheels, perfect for hauling around one kid and a couple-to a few dogs! if i had to guess i'd say that benny will read this post, so i'll only say this: the rodeo was smooshed and now we have a minivan. i wasn't driving. but that's all i'm saying.

i imagine that in it's prime, you could see that suv coming from miles away (cue whimsical music)...in my own way i celebrated my favorite artists by declaring my love for them via window decal! zeppelin, the shins, the stripes, bob, phish, floyd...the classic/alternative/indie rock list could go on. i suppose this obsession was somewhat like a girl scout, bearing her prized accomplishments on her vest. i am not ashamed to say that i am proud of my rock knowledge, and finely tuned good taste. once upon a time i dreamt of writing for the rolling stone. i thought, who cares about being on the cover?! i wanna buy five copies for my mother..when i'm WRITING for the rolling stone! nothing can make me feel like 'a song' can--nothing. except god.

and even better than the two apart, i've discovered this crazy far-out way of bringing them together. okay, i didn't discover klove per say (not the way al gore discovered the internet); rather, klove has brought to my life this marriage of talent laden music and my most heavenly father. with all of the wonderfulness in that, it has given me something even better--a radio station to enjoy and be able to listen to when my kids are cruising kc with me/us. i used to somewhat religiously listen to an area alternative rock station (not 98.9 haha, my brain can't handle that kind of angst+anger), and still do from time to time. but when it's common place to say things like 'god *&#@^%' and 'if your mom were here right now i bet i could get her to blank my blank', how could i possibly slam those kinds of things on my kids' ears constantly when they go against everything i believe in, everything i'm hoping they will one day choose to believe in? i can't. we can't.

because friends, you get out what you put in. and i'd much rather hear my sons and daughters talking about how god loves us no matter how flawed we are, than about someone's mom blanking someones blank. is this not common sense? i say that sarcastically. look around. this is not, apparently, common sense.

so call it god. call it down right good music. call it us leading by our actions and not just by our words. we call it klove. so even though my husband truly hates window stickers, he's patient enough to let me express myself this way. and i know that i speak for our entire family when i say that klove has been a blessing in our lives. it IS positive and encouraging. and i think it got us out of a ticket once or twice. (thanks, god!)

stuck in the middle (with you)

there is a fine line between old and young, and yet a disturbingly large lull of time spent 'in the middle'. as i come up on my 30th birthday, despite having always claimed it to be a ridiculous practice, i've been doing some mild to moderate pondering over the major (and not so major) happenings in my life. i'm beginning to feel older i suppose, but certainly not in the 'i don't think 'poop' is a funny word' sort of way; that sense of maturity will perhaps always escape me. stating that i feel more mature seems very ironically immature to me; but i'm going to be 30 after all. surely i have lived some life.

even though i am for whatever reason, in a way drawn to teen aged people and feel fairly convicted in teaching them 'someday', i completely understand why the large majority of the public does not, in fact 'get' high school kids. now that i'm entering that early-middle part of my journey i can look back at my own high school experience, shrug & laugh. it kind of makes me chuckle a little now, writing about remembering things like very serious cheerleading rivalries with other schools, not very seriously copying someone else's math homework, and quasi-seriously writing other people's papers (never for money, just because...). i can see it now for the role it played in my life, accept that i knew inherently that i would never do anything for which i would need to excel in algebra (1 or 2 for the record), and feel overall pretty good about the whole period. i know that it is not that way for many people, and i acknowledge that things that go on during these years FEEL incredibly important and life consuming. i haven't yet lost that reoccurring nightmare of not having done any of my homework all semester long and yadda yadda yadda. but let me make it well known, you could not pay me to go back there. the words 'best years of my life' have not and will not fall from my lips--ever. it was great, it was a very ideal high school experience. but it was not life, not really. not as me. i probably haven't changed that much since high school, in terms of my sense of humor or my core values. but in so many other ways i've changed heaps.

i do not gossip. i didn't really gossip that much when i was younger, definitely something i can thank my parents for. my mom always told my brothers and me that we 'may be the only person who is nice to someone their whole day, and being nice to them may the one thing that keeps them alive'. she has always encouraged us to include everyone, even when it's not the popular thing to do. and my dad told us to mind our own business, and to mind...our own...business. it is something i tell my own kids now when they're asking why the kid in the next aisle over at walmart is crying, 'it doesn't involve you, worry about yourself'. and together they taught us that when someone does come to you, and makes something your business, it's okay to jump to help with both feet. i feel that these kinds of things are a sign of maturation. these and my silver fox of a husby, benny's greying hair. and the three children who keep following me around calling me 'mom'.

but i have not grown-up persay, and i know that. i'm okay with that. it makes no difference that even at the this ripe old age i could never get away with buying beer without proof that i'm 21. those genes will come in quite handy in my next phase, just wait. you'll be wondering how i could afford mj's hyperbaric aging chamber. (sorry mom! haha you know i love him too but a writer's gotta do...) i haven't gotten to the point in life where i actually have 'savings'. right now savings is considered next week's diaper money. i haven't started my career yet...my earthly career i should say, as obviously being a mother is my life career. i'm cool with waiting awhile, learning some things about me and others before i start downloading all of those golden nuggets onto young brains! in the meantime i'm doing what i feel like is the world's most important job, taking care of my kids. this is what i feel like god formed in me the womb to be, to do. but i have so much to learn yet, so many stages and ages to go through as a mother. i see how much my own parents have grown in the past ten years. they have adapted to their growing children. they are at the late-middle stage in their life. i am in the middle.

i have a few good friends who are also 30 or turning 30 or just turned 30. but my best friend who is my age is unbelievably successful in her grown-up career as a fashion/home designer. casey is the person who tells the company what is going to be 'where it's at' (as i like to say) next year. she will be a fantastic, creative, inspiring mother. the lion's share of my 30 something friends are friends i've had for years, some since i was a child, some since i was teen. for the most part though, many of my friends are either a few to several years younger, or a few to several years older than me. to some of them, my having been married for 7 years means that i have insight. for others, 7 years is a pimple on the butt of time. my two closest 'adulthood' friends as of yet are 24 and 34 (layla shoot me if i'm wrong on your age here). for one some of my references are kind of out of date (wink wink ash); and for the other i'm, 'not even 30 yet'! no...i'm in the middle.

the 'kids' at church are doing this funny thing, they've created this look that i really just don't get! it's like an updated version of 90's grunge, like a punky-nerdy thing. they wear pants that surely they can't breath in, and andy warhol glasses that freak my kids out. they're good kids, i just don't understand where they're coming from...homes without mirrors i guess. and yet when i opened the black and turquoise plaid scarf my parents got me for christmas, i'll be damed if i didn't think that i'd be pretty stinkin' hip in it on saturday nights.

i'm in the middle...i'm here and i'm finishing one chapter and beginning the next. is that perpetual, is that evolution? i guess we'll see...ask me in 2040.